This is probably going to be the hardest post I've ever written.
The last few months have been quiet here. On the site, on my social media, in my business. However, these past few months, have probably been the toughest and most challenging months I've had in life so far.
Most of us tend to hit that "seasonal depression" when the skies turn grey, the trees start to lose their leaves, the weather just becomes constant rain and the days are shorter and darker. But what happens when the season changes, but that negative feeling you're feeling doesn't go away?
Something that isn't talked about openly. Something that maybe we are ashamed of admitting. Something that is feared by even the toughest person. Let's talk about it, shall we?
I'm here, admitting to the world, that I hit that low point, where I lost touch with myself, my goals, and my purpose, because something that was beyond my understanding began to take over my mind and my life. I was found crying myself to sleep almost every night. I watched something sad or I listened to a sad song, and I was balling my eyes out. The smallest of inconvenience would happen and I lost it. I started to lose grip of myself. I was scared to even think "the D word" could be a thing. At first I began to blame the situations around me.
"I'm sad because I'm not happy with my living situation."
"I'm stressed because my program is too extensive and isn't allowing me to work."
"I'm tired because I'm working too much, but can't afford not to."
"I'm becoming weak because I'm spending too much time with people that are toxic."
So I move. I organize my calendar better to manage school and work. I cut down the hours I am working. I cut relationships.
Each time I feel like there's a problem, I get up and change something. Things feel great for a little while. And then it hits me again, and I end up repeating this cycle. Till I realized, maybe the problem isn't in the situation... maybe the problem is in me. Maybe it's time I admit to myself that depression shouldn't be a scary word to say out loud.
I would be surrounded by people, yet I felt lost. I felt I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't pretty enough. Everything felt like a personal attack. I don't know what I'm doing in my life. I'm trying, but nothing seems to be enough. I felt like a burden. I felt alone. Scared. Weak. Anything would tip me off. I was angry. Sad. Frustrated. Confused. Lost.
Being around people stressed me out. Suddenly, I'm having a hard time focusing, connecting, relating, and being present.
But... being alone... I was alone with my own thoughts. Scary thoughts. Dark thoughts. Thoughts I never thought I'd had. Until now.
I'm assigned to create a video project on anything I'd like. That's where "A Dark Place" came from. I connected to the character. And I know, somewhere deep down, as scary as it is to admit, we all have had experienced something similar.
That feeling of being alone in a room full of people. That feeling of not meeting everyone's expectations, and disappointing others rather than succeeding. That feeling where you think you have it together, but you soon realize you don't know what or who you are living for anymore. Or that feeling where you feel like you're hurting those around you because you don't know how to cope anymore. You start to take it out on those closest to you and you only cause more damage.
I'm here to say... you aren't alone. Even on the toughest of days, when you feel like you're completely alone in the world, and no one will understand what you're going through - because even you may not know what you're going through, just know, that you aren't alone.
It isn't easy. I'm telling ya. I wish I could say that I overcame whatever this was. I may never overcome it, but in the meantime, I can talk about it. Living an entire life being told I live up to my name, not only put pressure, but it made it hard for me to express how I truly feel on the inside. But is it so worth it to hide the pain and suffering and cause yourself more damage, than just selfishly admitting to yourself that you are in pain?
Our minds are a wonderful thing, but it can also be the most toxic. What we tell ourselves and how we carry ourselves affects us and those around us. Self-harm shouldn't ever be the answer. The first step is accepting yourself.
I don't have any answers. I don't know any homemade remedies that will get rid of this feeling. But I do know... we can help one another. We can lift each other when we feel like falling. We can talk and we can be a shoulder to cry on. Please just don't be afraid of asking for help. Don't feel like you're alone. We can get through this, together. Find our way back to that happy soul within us.
This is definitely out of my comfort zone. It took me months before I had the courage to write this. "What would people think about me?" "This will affect my so-called image of always being a happy and positive being." And honestly, I'm not afraid anymore. Depression and anxiety is a thing. It happens to the best of us. We can't be stronger, until we've felt the weakest.
I hope to keep working and growing. You learn from the pain and that statement never felt so real until now.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you can send me an email and I'll be happy to listen to you.
Take care of yourself, you beautiful soul.